An Infertile Advent: Waiting without Preparing

Advent begins today and this is usually a difficult time for me because it is about the celebration of pregnancy and birth.  The whole Christian world looks upon an empty manger joyfully expecting the birth of a baby.

Last Advent I was anything but joyful because I wasn't expecting.  The empty manager was a painful reminder to me of my empty womb.

All I could think about was the fact that I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for a baby and I was tired of waiting.  I'm ashamed to say that Advent and Christmas was all about me last year.  I was miserable and even refused to decorate the apartment.  Despite my terrible attitude, my loving husband was very patient with me and convinced me to agree to let him decorate.

I didn't want to repeat last year, so over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about how I can make this year different. I realized what was missing last year: PREPARATION!

Last year I was just sitting around and waiting to become a mother, but I wasn't preparing for it. Sure I had a million books about pregnancy and even an empty bedroom designated for a nursery, but I was still just waiting.  I am beginning to understand that waiting without preparation is not productive and not fruitful. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is infertile.

It had become clear that I wasn't just struggling with physical infertility but spiritual infertility. 

What was I doing while I was waiting for motherhood? I may not yet have children, but that doesn't mean that during this period of time God isn't calling me to serve Him in other ways.

What are the characteristics of a mother? Mothers are caring, nurturing and consoling. They sacrifice and work in service to their families, friends and communities.  I can do that! 

All of this reminded me of an Advent childhood tradition. When I was young, every night my family  would think of an act of kindness or sacrifice we had made during that day. We would then tear off a small piece of paper (it served as hay) and place it in the empty manager in our home. We did this throughout Advent and when it was time to place baby Jesus in the manager, He had a soft place to rest. This was how we PREPARED for His birth.

I can "give birth to Jesus in my life" through my actions. Maybe I don't have a baby to nurse or rock to sleep, but I can offer support and consolation  to a friend who is having a hard time.  I can also support mothers by offering prays for moms with newborns or buying baby clothes for a pregnancy help center.

I do not doubt that there will be some very difficult days but I will ask Our Lady (The Mother of all mothers) to help me.

I may not be pregnant this Advent but I will be fertile.