An Infertile Advent: Waiting without Preparing

Advent begins today and this is usually a difficult time for me because it is about the celebration of pregnancy and birth.  The whole Christian world looks upon an empty manger joyfully expecting the birth of a baby.

Last Advent I was anything but joyful because I wasn't expecting.  The empty manager was a painful reminder to me of my empty womb.

All I could think about was the fact that I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for a baby and I was tired of waiting.  I'm ashamed to say that Advent and Christmas was all about me last year.  I was miserable and even refused to decorate the apartment.  Despite my terrible attitude, my loving husband was very patient with me and convinced me to agree to let him decorate.

I didn't want to repeat last year, so over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about how I can make this year different. I realized what was missing last year: PREPARATION!

Last year I was just sitting around and waiting to become a mother, but I wasn't preparing for it. Sure I had a million books about pregnancy and even an empty bedroom designated for a nursery, but I was still just waiting.  I am beginning to understand that waiting without preparation is not productive and not fruitful. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is infertile.

It had become clear that I wasn't just struggling with physical infertility but spiritual infertility. 

What was I doing while I was waiting for motherhood? I may not yet have children, but that doesn't mean that during this period of time God isn't calling me to serve Him in other ways.

What are the characteristics of a mother? Mothers are caring, nurturing and consoling. They sacrifice and work in service to their families, friends and communities.  I can do that! 

All of this reminded me of an Advent childhood tradition. When I was young, every night my family  would think of an act of kindness or sacrifice we had made during that day. We would then tear off a small piece of paper (it served as hay) and place it in the empty manager in our home. We did this throughout Advent and when it was time to place baby Jesus in the manager, He had a soft place to rest. This was how we PREPARED for His birth.

I can "give birth to Jesus in my life" through my actions. Maybe I don't have a baby to nurse or rock to sleep, but I can offer support and consolation  to a friend who is having a hard time.  I can also support mothers by offering prays for moms with newborns or buying baby clothes for a pregnancy help center.

I do not doubt that there will be some very difficult days but I will ask Our Lady (The Mother of all mothers) to help me.

I may not be pregnant this Advent but I will be fertile.

Called to Adoption?

Tomorrow Brian and I will be attending an adoption information session. We did talk about adoption before we got married, but we didn't really give it much thought as we never anticipated having trouble conceiving.

We still have not given up hope that we will one day conceive. But what if God has other plans?

This past spring, I contacted Catholic Social Services and inquired about adoption. They told me the first step is attending an adoption information session and there were no sessions being offered till summer.

So I just left it alone for a while. But after month after month of negative pregnancy tests I decided to call again.

I called shortly after our 6th wedding anniversary and inquired again about an adoption information session. This time I was told that there was a very long waiting list and there was nothing available. I was directed to connect other agencies.

I left it alone again.

Then on the feast of Saint John Paul II, I received an invitation in the mail from Catholic Social Services to attend an adoption  information session on Nov 8th.  Three things popped into my mind.  1. This is the first feast day of  Saint John Paul II  2. November is national adoption month and 3. The adoption session is going to be held one day after my late grandmother's birthday.
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I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but I know that Brian and I are suppose to be at that adoption information session. I don't know if adoption is God's plan for us, but we are not going to shut the door on the possibility.

Adoption is not a foreign concept to me. My two sisters and I are adopted. I have cousins who are adopted. Most people know that certain medical conditions or characteristics  run in their family. Well adoption runs in  my family. :)

 However, I was nervous about how we could afford to adopt. But when I shared those concerns with a friend, who adopted her daughter, she told me not to worry about the money. If God wants me to adopt the money will be there. I realized she was right.

So tomorrow I will walk into that adoption session with my amazing husband. We walk in with open hearts as we faithfully continue to wait on his plans.