Our Wedding Day

Our Wedding Day

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Tears For Nathan

It finally happened..... December 23rd 2014 I had my first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test!  My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't catch my breath. I was so overcome with joy. I fell to my knees and thanked God for my Christmas miracle!

Later that night Brian came home from work and I told him I had a Christmas gift for him and handed him the pregnancy test wrapped like a gift. We hugged and kissed and cried. We were so happy!

We were both so excited that we wanted to tell our family and a few friends right away and we did.  We started making plans and talking about names. We finally settled on Nathan. Of course we didn't know for sure whether we were having a boy or a girl but we both felt like we were having a boy.  Also, I didn't want to walk around for 3 or 4 months calling the baby "the baby" or "it."  We knew we could always change the name later if it turned out that the baby was a girl.

Nathan means "Gift of God" and we could not think of anything more perfect. After so many years of infertility we were finally having a baby! It was the best Christmas "gift" ever!

Then something happened. After a wonderful Christmas eve night celebrating with family I woke up the next morning and I knew that something was not right. All the signs pointed to a miscarriage. Brian took me to the ER and the doctor said that it appeared I was miscarrying. I was told there was little hope but given a lab slip to come back in a few days to get blood work done that would absolutely confirm the miscarriage. We were devastated and had little hope that the blood work would show anything but a miscarriage. It was too early for an ultrasound and so we were told that blood tests were the only way to be certain.

Two days later, we had the blood work done and were beyond surprised to found out that  my pregnancy hormone levels had more than doubled!!! I had doctor's appointment the next day and he said there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy would not continue to progress normally. He gave me more lab slips and for the whole next week my levels continued to rise substantially. I was relieved and beginning to feel hopeful again. The past week had been such a roller coaster ride. Surely things would only get easier from here on out. Wrong.

Jan 3rd, I woke up early in the morning with excruciating pain and great deal of pressure on the right side of my abdomen. We were off again to the ER.  An ultrasound was performed and more blood work done.  I was holding my breath when the doctor came into the room. I could tell by the look on his face that it was not good news. He told us that my pregnancy hormone levels had plateaued and that the baby was not growing anymore. I was not anywhere close to prepared for what he would say next. He then said that the ultrasound revealed that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby had implanted in my fallopian tube. The baby had not survived.

I immediately burst into tears and Brian wrapped his arms around me. I left the hospital feeling empty and heartbroken. I still am empty and heartbroken. I'm sad, angry and confused. It is hard to describe the feeling. I have tried to pray a few times but the only thing that comes out are tears. My tears are my prayers for you, Nathan. I am comforted because I know your tiny soul is in heaven and I know that one day I will get to hold you in my arms.  Being your mother even though it was just for a very short time was the best thing to have ever happened to me. I love you, my son.