Wednesday is the feast of the Annunciation, which commemorates the Archangel Gabriel's visit to Our Lady. The angel Gabriel says to Mary:
"...Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end..."
What Mary says next is astonishing. She says "... How can this be, since I have no relations with a man...? Rather than demonstrating a lack of trust on Mary's part, her response demonstrates great faith. Notice how Mary doesn't even questions the second part of the angel's statement. She has no trouble believing that the baby boy will be the Son of the Most High. Mary is not questioning the validity of the angel's statements. Rather it seems as though she is just curious about what method God will use to bring to theses statements to fruition.
Gabriel then says "...The holy spirit will come upon you and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore, the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God..." Mary simply responds "... Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word..."
So basically, Mary is saying ok cool God. My jaw drops every time I read this. Mary says "yes" I will do whatever you ask. Just let me know what you need me to do. You want me to be the mother of the Savior. No problem. She has no problem trusting that God can make this happen. Her faith in God is solid.
I am in awe of Her openness to God's will for Her life. Throughout my fertility journey openness to His will and trust in God have not been easy. This became particularly hard after suffering an ectopic pregnancy and losing my little baby. I am now beginning to realize that saying "yes" and being open to life doesn't automatically translate into pregnancy.
I have also had to come to the realization and acceptance that I'm not working with my time table here, I'm working with His. Mary didn't know when she would become pregnant. She didn't know where She would give birth. She didn't have a lot of answers. But She remained faithful in her "yes" to God.
I don't know why it took us so long to get pregnant. I don't know why our baby died. I don't know how long it will take before I become pregnant again. I don't even really know if I will ever be pregnant again. I believe that God intends for us to be parents. But I have no idea how that is going to happen or what that will look like. I try to emulate Mary and her faith in God, but my "yes" is more like "Well, I'm all for doing your will God, but first you have to give me some details!" My "yes" can sometimes turn into a toddler stomping his or her foot shouting "No Way!" I wrote about that last month when I wrote about my struggle to open my heart back up and allow God's presence in my life after the heartbreaking loss of our baby.
But I have to remember that God is greater than infertility. I have to really believe the words the angel Gabriel spoke to Mary "...Nothing will be impossible for God..."
Our Wedding Day
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Walking with Mary to Calvary: Loss and the Cross
Lent came early for me this year. I just didn't realize it at the time because I was too angry to see it. The sadness of losing my baby had subsided and a feeling I could only describe as intense rage took hold. I welcomed the rage because if I wasn't feeling it; I was feeling nothing. Oddly, feeling nothing was an emotion that I found far more unbearable.
I found out I was losing my baby Jan 3, 2015. However, I remained pregnant until Feb 11, 2015 - EXACTLY 40 DAYS! ( I tried to think of a delicate way to write about this but the truth is there is nothing delicate about it. It is a raw and real reality and so I make no attempt to sugarcoat it).
It is almost impossible to explain what it feels like to be "technically"11 weeks pregnant but not to have a baby growing inside your womb. Feb 11th was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes and on this day I felt as though I came out of the fog. The rage had left and feelings of hope and even joy were no longer beyond reach. For this to happen on a Marian Feast was vey significant for me because during the past forty days my relationship with God and the Blessed Mother was virtually non existent. The rage prevented me from praying and I could not get beyond the sense of betrayal that I felt.
(Let's go back a little)
During the month of December, (before I even knew I was pregnant) I read an excellent book called "My Sisters the Saints" by Colleen Carroll Campbell. In this book, Colleen shares her own personal struggle with infertility and I could really relate to her. She wrote about how she became pregnant after praying The Memorare daily.
REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
Well shortly after reading the book, I came across a beautifully song version of The Memorare on You Tube by Danielle Rose https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H93HaDeg27c. I absolutely loved it! I bought her CD just so I could listen to the song in the mornings on my way to work. It became my petition to Our Lady to have a baby. I thought to myself Our Lady is The Mother of all mothers. Who better to ask? Who could better understand? I wasn't expecting an immediate miracle and I knew that the prayer wasn't a magic pill for pregnancy. But still I felt comforted and hopeful. Because I wasn't expecting anything to happen right away I nearly passed out from shock on Dec 23rd when I had a positive pregnancy test. Mary had heard my petition, interceded for me and BOOM I was pregnant! I thought Our Lady doesn't mess around! All of this made it so much harder to understand the devastating news we received that early January morning.
(Back to the present)
Because I was so devastated and especially angry, I spent the next 40 days avoiding prayer because I didn't want to talk to God or Our Lady. I felt completely abandoned. During this time, I received many beautiful cards, notes and messages from friends and family. I felt loved and grateful for all the support. One message especially struck a cord with me. My cousin Ceci told me to "cling to the Blessed Mother, who like you-lost Her only Son." She was so right and I had never thought of that. Again, who better could understand than Our Lady and I had completely shut Her out of my life. So when February 11th came and I realized that it was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, I knew She was inviting me back. Lent was going to start in just a few days and She wanted to walk with me. She understood my sorrow because She had experienced that same sorrow. Our Lady was offering Her help so that this lent I would be able to take the sadness, the anger and the loss of my baby and lay it all at the foot of the cross. I'm going to accept the invitation and walk with Mary toward Calvary.
I found out I was losing my baby Jan 3, 2015. However, I remained pregnant until Feb 11, 2015 - EXACTLY 40 DAYS! ( I tried to think of a delicate way to write about this but the truth is there is nothing delicate about it. It is a raw and real reality and so I make no attempt to sugarcoat it).
It is almost impossible to explain what it feels like to be "technically"11 weeks pregnant but not to have a baby growing inside your womb. Feb 11th was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes and on this day I felt as though I came out of the fog. The rage had left and feelings of hope and even joy were no longer beyond reach. For this to happen on a Marian Feast was vey significant for me because during the past forty days my relationship with God and the Blessed Mother was virtually non existent. The rage prevented me from praying and I could not get beyond the sense of betrayal that I felt.
(Let's go back a little)
During the month of December, (before I even knew I was pregnant) I read an excellent book called "My Sisters the Saints" by Colleen Carroll Campbell. In this book, Colleen shares her own personal struggle with infertility and I could really relate to her. She wrote about how she became pregnant after praying The Memorare daily.
REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
Well shortly after reading the book, I came across a beautifully song version of The Memorare on You Tube by Danielle Rose https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H93HaDeg27c. I absolutely loved it! I bought her CD just so I could listen to the song in the mornings on my way to work. It became my petition to Our Lady to have a baby. I thought to myself Our Lady is The Mother of all mothers. Who better to ask? Who could better understand? I wasn't expecting an immediate miracle and I knew that the prayer wasn't a magic pill for pregnancy. But still I felt comforted and hopeful. Because I wasn't expecting anything to happen right away I nearly passed out from shock on Dec 23rd when I had a positive pregnancy test. Mary had heard my petition, interceded for me and BOOM I was pregnant! I thought Our Lady doesn't mess around! All of this made it so much harder to understand the devastating news we received that early January morning.
(Back to the present)
Because I was so devastated and especially angry, I spent the next 40 days avoiding prayer because I didn't want to talk to God or Our Lady. I felt completely abandoned. During this time, I received many beautiful cards, notes and messages from friends and family. I felt loved and grateful for all the support. One message especially struck a cord with me. My cousin Ceci told me to "cling to the Blessed Mother, who like you-lost Her only Son." She was so right and I had never thought of that. Again, who better could understand than Our Lady and I had completely shut Her out of my life. So when February 11th came and I realized that it was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, I knew She was inviting me back. Lent was going to start in just a few days and She wanted to walk with me. She understood my sorrow because She had experienced that same sorrow. Our Lady was offering Her help so that this lent I would be able to take the sadness, the anger and the loss of my baby and lay it all at the foot of the cross. I'm going to accept the invitation and walk with Mary toward Calvary.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Tears For Nathan
It finally happened..... December 23rd 2014 I had my first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test! My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't catch my breath. I was so overcome with joy. I fell to my knees and thanked God for my Christmas miracle!
Later that night Brian came home from work and I told him I had a Christmas gift for him and handed him the pregnancy test wrapped like a gift. We hugged and kissed and cried. We were so happy!
We were both so excited that we wanted to tell our family and a few friends right away and we did. We started making plans and talking about names. We finally settled on Nathan. Of course we didn't know for sure whether we were having a boy or a girl but we both felt like we were having a boy. Also, I didn't want to walk around for 3 or 4 months calling the baby "the baby" or "it." We knew we could always change the name later if it turned out that the baby was a girl.
Nathan means "Gift of God" and we could not think of anything more perfect. After so many years of infertility we were finally having a baby! It was the best Christmas "gift" ever!
Then something happened. After a wonderful Christmas eve night celebrating with family I woke up the next morning and I knew that something was not right. All the signs pointed to a miscarriage. Brian took me to the ER and the doctor said that it appeared I was miscarrying. I was told there was little hope but given a lab slip to come back in a few days to get blood work done that would absolutely confirm the miscarriage. We were devastated and had little hope that the blood work would show anything but a miscarriage. It was too early for an ultrasound and so we were told that blood tests were the only way to be certain.
Two days later, we had the blood work done and were beyond surprised to found out that my pregnancy hormone levels had more than doubled!!! I had doctor's appointment the next day and he said there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy would not continue to progress normally. He gave me more lab slips and for the whole next week my levels continued to rise substantially. I was relieved and beginning to feel hopeful again. The past week had been such a roller coaster ride. Surely things would only get easier from here on out. Wrong.
Jan 3rd, I woke up early in the morning with excruciating pain and great deal of pressure on the right side of my abdomen. We were off again to the ER. An ultrasound was performed and more blood work done. I was holding my breath when the doctor came into the room. I could tell by the look on his face that it was not good news. He told us that my pregnancy hormone levels had plateaued and that the baby was not growing anymore. I was not anywhere close to prepared for what he would say next. He then said that the ultrasound revealed that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby had implanted in my fallopian tube. The baby had not survived.
I immediately burst into tears and Brian wrapped his arms around me. I left the hospital feeling empty and heartbroken. I still am empty and heartbroken. I'm sad, angry and confused. It is hard to describe the feeling. I have tried to pray a few times but the only thing that comes out are tears. My tears are my prayers for you, Nathan. I am comforted because I know your tiny soul is in heaven and I know that one day I will get to hold you in my arms. Being your mother even though it was just for a very short time was the best thing to have ever happened to me. I love you, my son.
Later that night Brian came home from work and I told him I had a Christmas gift for him and handed him the pregnancy test wrapped like a gift. We hugged and kissed and cried. We were so happy!
We were both so excited that we wanted to tell our family and a few friends right away and we did. We started making plans and talking about names. We finally settled on Nathan. Of course we didn't know for sure whether we were having a boy or a girl but we both felt like we were having a boy. Also, I didn't want to walk around for 3 or 4 months calling the baby "the baby" or "it." We knew we could always change the name later if it turned out that the baby was a girl.
Nathan means "Gift of God" and we could not think of anything more perfect. After so many years of infertility we were finally having a baby! It was the best Christmas "gift" ever!
Then something happened. After a wonderful Christmas eve night celebrating with family I woke up the next morning and I knew that something was not right. All the signs pointed to a miscarriage. Brian took me to the ER and the doctor said that it appeared I was miscarrying. I was told there was little hope but given a lab slip to come back in a few days to get blood work done that would absolutely confirm the miscarriage. We were devastated and had little hope that the blood work would show anything but a miscarriage. It was too early for an ultrasound and so we were told that blood tests were the only way to be certain.
Two days later, we had the blood work done and were beyond surprised to found out that my pregnancy hormone levels had more than doubled!!! I had doctor's appointment the next day and he said there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy would not continue to progress normally. He gave me more lab slips and for the whole next week my levels continued to rise substantially. I was relieved and beginning to feel hopeful again. The past week had been such a roller coaster ride. Surely things would only get easier from here on out. Wrong.
Jan 3rd, I woke up early in the morning with excruciating pain and great deal of pressure on the right side of my abdomen. We were off again to the ER. An ultrasound was performed and more blood work done. I was holding my breath when the doctor came into the room. I could tell by the look on his face that it was not good news. He told us that my pregnancy hormone levels had plateaued and that the baby was not growing anymore. I was not anywhere close to prepared for what he would say next. He then said that the ultrasound revealed that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby had implanted in my fallopian tube. The baby had not survived.
I immediately burst into tears and Brian wrapped his arms around me. I left the hospital feeling empty and heartbroken. I still am empty and heartbroken. I'm sad, angry and confused. It is hard to describe the feeling. I have tried to pray a few times but the only thing that comes out are tears. My tears are my prayers for you, Nathan. I am comforted because I know your tiny soul is in heaven and I know that one day I will get to hold you in my arms. Being your mother even though it was just for a very short time was the best thing to have ever happened to me. I love you, my son.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
An Infertile Advent: Waiting without Preparing
Advent begins today and this is usually a difficult time for me because it is about the celebration of pregnancy and birth. The whole Christian world looks upon an empty manger joyfully expecting the birth of a baby.
Last Advent I was anything but joyful because I wasn't expecting. The empty manager was a painful reminder to me of my empty womb.
All I could think about was the fact that I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for a baby and I was tired of waiting. I'm ashamed to say that Advent and Christmas was all about me last year. I was miserable and even refused to decorate the apartment. Despite my terrible attitude, my loving husband was very patient with me and convinced me to agree to let him decorate.
I didn't want to repeat last year, so over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about how I can make this year different. I realized what was missing last year: PREPARATION!
Last year I was just sitting around and waiting to become a mother, but I wasn't preparing for it. Sure I had a million books about pregnancy and even an empty bedroom designated for a nursery, but I was still just waiting. I am beginning to understand that waiting without preparation is not productive and not fruitful. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is infertile.
It had become clear that I wasn't just struggling with physical infertility but spiritual infertility.
What was I doing while I was waiting for motherhood? I may not yet have children, but that doesn't mean that during this period of time God isn't calling me to serve Him in other ways.
What are the characteristics of a mother? Mothers are caring, nurturing and consoling. They sacrifice and work in service to their families, friends and communities. I can do that!
All of this reminded me of an Advent childhood tradition. When I was young, every night my family would think of an act of kindness or sacrifice we had made during that day. We would then tear off a small piece of paper (it served as hay) and place it in the empty manager in our home. We did this throughout Advent and when it was time to place baby Jesus in the manager, He had a soft place to rest. This was how we PREPARED for His birth.
I can "give birth to Jesus in my life" through my actions. Maybe I don't have a baby to nurse or rock to sleep, but I can offer support and consolation to a friend who is having a hard time. I can also support mothers by offering prays for moms with newborns or buying baby clothes for a pregnancy help center.
I do not doubt that there will be some very difficult days but I will ask Our Lady (The Mother of all mothers) to help me.
I may not be pregnant this Advent but I will be fertile.
Last Advent I was anything but joyful because I wasn't expecting. The empty manager was a painful reminder to me of my empty womb.
All I could think about was the fact that I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for a baby and I was tired of waiting. I'm ashamed to say that Advent and Christmas was all about me last year. I was miserable and even refused to decorate the apartment. Despite my terrible attitude, my loving husband was very patient with me and convinced me to agree to let him decorate.
I didn't want to repeat last year, so over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about how I can make this year different. I realized what was missing last year: PREPARATION!
Last year I was just sitting around and waiting to become a mother, but I wasn't preparing for it. Sure I had a million books about pregnancy and even an empty bedroom designated for a nursery, but I was still just waiting. I am beginning to understand that waiting without preparation is not productive and not fruitful. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is infertile.
It had become clear that I wasn't just struggling with physical infertility but spiritual infertility.
What was I doing while I was waiting for motherhood? I may not yet have children, but that doesn't mean that during this period of time God isn't calling me to serve Him in other ways.
What are the characteristics of a mother? Mothers are caring, nurturing and consoling. They sacrifice and work in service to their families, friends and communities. I can do that!
All of this reminded me of an Advent childhood tradition. When I was young, every night my family would think of an act of kindness or sacrifice we had made during that day. We would then tear off a small piece of paper (it served as hay) and place it in the empty manager in our home. We did this throughout Advent and when it was time to place baby Jesus in the manager, He had a soft place to rest. This was how we PREPARED for His birth.
I can "give birth to Jesus in my life" through my actions. Maybe I don't have a baby to nurse or rock to sleep, but I can offer support and consolation to a friend who is having a hard time. I can also support mothers by offering prays for moms with newborns or buying baby clothes for a pregnancy help center.
I do not doubt that there will be some very difficult days but I will ask Our Lady (The Mother of all mothers) to help me.
I may not be pregnant this Advent but I will be fertile.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Called to Adoption?
Tomorrow Brian and I will be attending an adoption information session. We did talk about adoption before we got married, but we didn't really give it much thought as we never anticipated having trouble conceiving.
We still have not given up hope that we will one day conceive. But what if God has other plans?
This past spring, I contacted Catholic Social Services and inquired about adoption. They told me the first step is attending an adoption information session and there were no sessions being offered till summer.
So I just left it alone for a while. But after month after month of negative pregnancy tests I decided to call again.
I called shortly after our 6th wedding anniversary and inquired again about an adoption information session. This time I was told that there was a very long waiting list and there was nothing available. I was directed to connect other agencies.
I left it alone again.
Then on the feast of Saint John Paul II, I received an invitation in the mail from Catholic Social Services to attend an adoption information session on Nov 8th. Three things popped into my mind. 1. This is the first feast day of Saint John Paul II 2. November is national adoption month and 3. The adoption session is going to be held one day after my late grandmother's birthday.
.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but I know that Brian and I are suppose to be at that adoption information session. I don't know if adoption is God's plan for us, but we are not going to shut the door on the possibility.
Adoption is not a foreign concept to me. My two sisters and I are adopted. I have cousins who are adopted. Most people know that certain medical conditions or characteristics run in their family. Well adoption runs in my family. :)
However, I was nervous about how we could afford to adopt. But when I shared those concerns with a friend, who adopted her daughter, she told me not to worry about the money. If God wants me to adopt the money will be there. I realized she was right.
So tomorrow I will walk into that adoption session with my amazing husband. We walk in with open hearts as we faithfully continue to wait on his plans.
We still have not given up hope that we will one day conceive. But what if God has other plans?
This past spring, I contacted Catholic Social Services and inquired about adoption. They told me the first step is attending an adoption information session and there were no sessions being offered till summer.
So I just left it alone for a while. But after month after month of negative pregnancy tests I decided to call again.
I called shortly after our 6th wedding anniversary and inquired again about an adoption information session. This time I was told that there was a very long waiting list and there was nothing available. I was directed to connect other agencies.
I left it alone again.
Then on the feast of Saint John Paul II, I received an invitation in the mail from Catholic Social Services to attend an adoption information session on Nov 8th. Three things popped into my mind. 1. This is the first feast day of Saint John Paul II 2. November is national adoption month and 3. The adoption session is going to be held one day after my late grandmother's birthday.
.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but I know that Brian and I are suppose to be at that adoption information session. I don't know if adoption is God's plan for us, but we are not going to shut the door on the possibility.
Adoption is not a foreign concept to me. My two sisters and I are adopted. I have cousins who are adopted. Most people know that certain medical conditions or characteristics run in their family. Well adoption runs in my family. :)
However, I was nervous about how we could afford to adopt. But when I shared those concerns with a friend, who adopted her daughter, she told me not to worry about the money. If God wants me to adopt the money will be there. I realized she was right.
So tomorrow I will walk into that adoption session with my amazing husband. We walk in with open hearts as we faithfully continue to wait on his plans.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Respect life must reads for October!
PREGNANCY
MISCARRIAGE
INFERTILITY
BREAST CANCER
PROLIFE/UNPLANNED PREGNANCY
Sunday, August 31, 2014
The Cross of Infertiltiy
It has been a little over a month since my first entry and quite honestly it has been difficult to get going with this blog. My mind has been full of thoughts. Should I do this? How much should I share? Will this help anyone? So after some consideration and further discussion with my better half I decided to press forward! My goal is to post monthly and we will see how it goes :)
Today I was sitting in Mass and listening to the gospel and the homily about the necessity of Christians embracing the cross and sharing in the suffering of Jesus. I remember growing up whenever I would complain about minor inconveniences my mom would tell me to "offer it up."
Well I guess I never really realized that the magnitude of the sufferings might change when I became an adult. When I was a kid I figured I was pretty close to sainthood when I would graciously allow my sister to play with my Barbie. So as an adult, I figured that waiting patiently for three whole minutes in line at Dunkin Donuts without rolling my eyes was an equivalent act of great sacrifice.
It turns out that Jesus expects you to sacrifice a little more than when you were seven. Jesus will sometimes ask you to pick up a pretty big cross and carry it. I know I could not carry this cross of infertility without Him . I also feel comforted by the fact that this suffering can be redemptive.
I wish I could I say that I joyfully embrace this cross, but I am not there yet. I am still more of a reluctant cross carrier. I hold the cross up just a little and with my eyes upward say "ok so next month you are going to let me put this down and give me a baby right?" So far His answer has been "not yet."
So I am going to take some great advice from my mom. She has always been a wise lady. I want to offer up this cross of infertility for all my sisters who are also struggling with infertility, have suffered a miscarriage or are experiencing a difficult pregnancy.
With God's grace and your prayers I will "lift high the cross!"
Today I was sitting in Mass and listening to the gospel and the homily about the necessity of Christians embracing the cross and sharing in the suffering of Jesus. I remember growing up whenever I would complain about minor inconveniences my mom would tell me to "offer it up."
Well I guess I never really realized that the magnitude of the sufferings might change when I became an adult. When I was a kid I figured I was pretty close to sainthood when I would graciously allow my sister to play with my Barbie. So as an adult, I figured that waiting patiently for three whole minutes in line at Dunkin Donuts without rolling my eyes was an equivalent act of great sacrifice.
It turns out that Jesus expects you to sacrifice a little more than when you were seven. Jesus will sometimes ask you to pick up a pretty big cross and carry it. I know I could not carry this cross of infertility without Him . I also feel comforted by the fact that this suffering can be redemptive.
I wish I could I say that I joyfully embrace this cross, but I am not there yet. I am still more of a reluctant cross carrier. I hold the cross up just a little and with my eyes upward say "ok so next month you are going to let me put this down and give me a baby right?" So far His answer has been "not yet."
So I am going to take some great advice from my mom. She has always been a wise lady. I want to offer up this cross of infertility for all my sisters who are also struggling with infertility, have suffered a miscarriage or are experiencing a difficult pregnancy.
With God's grace and your prayers I will "lift high the cross!"
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