Tears For Nathan

It finally happened..... December 23rd 2014 I had my first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test!  My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't catch my breath. I was so overcome with joy. I fell to my knees and thanked God for my Christmas miracle!

Later that night Brian came home from work and I told him I had a Christmas gift for him and handed him the pregnancy test wrapped like a gift. We hugged and kissed and cried. We were so happy!

We were both so excited that we wanted to tell our family and a few friends right away and we did.  We started making plans and talking about names. We finally settled on Nathan. Of course we didn't know for sure whether we were having a boy or a girl but we both felt like we were having a boy.  Also, I didn't want to walk around for 3 or 4 months calling the baby "the baby" or "it."  We knew we could always change the name later if it turned out that the baby was a girl.

Nathan means "Gift of God" and we could not think of anything more perfect. After so many years of infertility we were finally having a baby! It was the best Christmas "gift" ever!

Then something happened. After a wonderful Christmas eve night celebrating with family I woke up the next morning and I knew that something was not right. All the signs pointed to a miscarriage. Brian took me to the ER and the doctor said that it appeared I was miscarrying. I was told there was little hope but given a lab slip to come back in a few days to get blood work done that would absolutely confirm the miscarriage. We were devastated and had little hope that the blood work would show anything but a miscarriage. It was too early for an ultrasound and so we were told that blood tests were the only way to be certain.

Two days later, we had the blood work done and were beyond surprised to found out that  my pregnancy hormone levels had more than doubled!!! I had doctor's appointment the next day and he said there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy would not continue to progress normally. He gave me more lab slips and for the whole next week my levels continued to rise substantially. I was relieved and beginning to feel hopeful again. The past week had been such a roller coaster ride. Surely things would only get easier from here on out. Wrong.

Jan 3rd, I woke up early in the morning with excruciating pain and great deal of pressure on the right side of my abdomen. We were off again to the ER.  An ultrasound was performed and more blood work done.  I was holding my breath when the doctor came into the room. I could tell by the look on his face that it was not good news. He told us that my pregnancy hormone levels had plateaued and that the baby was not growing anymore. I was not anywhere close to prepared for what he would say next. He then said that the ultrasound revealed that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby had implanted in my fallopian tube. The baby had not survived.

I immediately burst into tears and Brian wrapped his arms around me. I left the hospital feeling empty and heartbroken. I still am empty and heartbroken. I'm sad, angry and confused. It is hard to describe the feeling. I have tried to pray a few times but the only thing that comes out are tears. My tears are my prayers for you, Nathan. I am comforted because I know your tiny soul is in heaven and I know that one day I will get to hold you in my arms.  Being your mother even though it was just for a very short time was the best thing to have ever happened to me. I love you, my son.

An Infertile Advent: Waiting without Preparing

Advent begins today and this is usually a difficult time for me because it is about the celebration of pregnancy and birth.  The whole Christian world looks upon an empty manger joyfully expecting the birth of a baby.

Last Advent I was anything but joyful because I wasn't expecting.  The empty manager was a painful reminder to me of my empty womb.

All I could think about was the fact that I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for a baby and I was tired of waiting.  I'm ashamed to say that Advent and Christmas was all about me last year.  I was miserable and even refused to decorate the apartment.  Despite my terrible attitude, my loving husband was very patient with me and convinced me to agree to let him decorate.

I didn't want to repeat last year, so over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about how I can make this year different. I realized what was missing last year: PREPARATION!

Last year I was just sitting around and waiting to become a mother, but I wasn't preparing for it. Sure I had a million books about pregnancy and even an empty bedroom designated for a nursery, but I was still just waiting.  I am beginning to understand that waiting without preparation is not productive and not fruitful. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is infertile.

It had become clear that I wasn't just struggling with physical infertility but spiritual infertility. 

What was I doing while I was waiting for motherhood? I may not yet have children, but that doesn't mean that during this period of time God isn't calling me to serve Him in other ways.

What are the characteristics of a mother? Mothers are caring, nurturing and consoling. They sacrifice and work in service to their families, friends and communities.  I can do that! 

All of this reminded me of an Advent childhood tradition. When I was young, every night my family  would think of an act of kindness or sacrifice we had made during that day. We would then tear off a small piece of paper (it served as hay) and place it in the empty manager in our home. We did this throughout Advent and when it was time to place baby Jesus in the manager, He had a soft place to rest. This was how we PREPARED for His birth.

I can "give birth to Jesus in my life" through my actions. Maybe I don't have a baby to nurse or rock to sleep, but I can offer support and consolation  to a friend who is having a hard time.  I can also support mothers by offering prays for moms with newborns or buying baby clothes for a pregnancy help center.

I do not doubt that there will be some very difficult days but I will ask Our Lady (The Mother of all mothers) to help me.

I may not be pregnant this Advent but I will be fertile.

Called to Adoption?

Tomorrow Brian and I will be attending an adoption information session. We did talk about adoption before we got married, but we didn't really give it much thought as we never anticipated having trouble conceiving.

We still have not given up hope that we will one day conceive. But what if God has other plans?

This past spring, I contacted Catholic Social Services and inquired about adoption. They told me the first step is attending an adoption information session and there were no sessions being offered till summer.

So I just left it alone for a while. But after month after month of negative pregnancy tests I decided to call again.

I called shortly after our 6th wedding anniversary and inquired again about an adoption information session. This time I was told that there was a very long waiting list and there was nothing available. I was directed to connect other agencies.

I left it alone again.

Then on the feast of Saint John Paul II, I received an invitation in the mail from Catholic Social Services to attend an adoption  information session on Nov 8th.  Three things popped into my mind.  1. This is the first feast day of  Saint John Paul II  2. November is national adoption month and 3. The adoption session is going to be held one day after my late grandmother's birthday.
.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but I know that Brian and I are suppose to be at that adoption information session. I don't know if adoption is God's plan for us, but we are not going to shut the door on the possibility.

Adoption is not a foreign concept to me. My two sisters and I are adopted. I have cousins who are adopted. Most people know that certain medical conditions or characteristics  run in their family. Well adoption runs in  my family. :)

 However, I was nervous about how we could afford to adopt. But when I shared those concerns with a friend, who adopted her daughter, she told me not to worry about the money. If God wants me to adopt the money will be there. I realized she was right.

So tomorrow I will walk into that adoption session with my amazing husband. We walk in with open hearts as we faithfully continue to wait on his plans.

Respect life must reads for October!

                                                          
                                                               PREGNANCY

                                                       
                                                           MISCARRIAGE

                                                               INFERTILITY

 

BREAST CANCER

 

PROLIFE/UNPLANNED PREGNANCY

 

 

The Cross of Infertiltiy

It has been a little over a month since my first entry and quite honestly it has been difficult to get going with this blog.  My mind has been full of thoughts. Should I do this? How much should I share? Will this help anyone?  So after some consideration and further discussion with my better half I decided to press forward!  My goal is to post monthly and we will see how it goes :)



Today I was sitting in Mass and listening to the gospel and the homily about the necessity of Christians embracing the cross and sharing in the suffering of Jesus. I remember growing up  whenever I would complain about minor inconveniences my mom would tell me to "offer it up."


Well I guess  I never really realized that the magnitude of the sufferings might change when I became an adult. When I was a kid I figured I was pretty close to sainthood when I  would graciously allow my sister to play with my Barbie.  So as an adult, I figured that waiting patiently for three whole minutes in line at Dunkin Donuts without rolling my eyes was an equivalent act of great sacrifice.


It turns out that Jesus expects you to sacrifice a little more than when you were seven. Jesus will sometimes ask you to pick up a pretty big cross and carry it. I know I could not carry this cross of infertility without Him . I also feel comforted by the fact that this suffering can be redemptive. 


I wish I could I say that I joyfully embrace this cross, but I am not there yet. I am still more of a reluctant cross carrier. I hold the cross up just a little and with my eyes upward say "ok so next month you are going to let me put this down and give me a baby right?"   So far His answer has been "not yet."


So I am going to take some great advice from my mom. She has always been a wise lady. I want to offer up this cross of infertility for all my sisters who are also struggling with infertility, have suffered a miscarriage or are experiencing a difficult pregnancy. 


With God's grace and your prayers I will "lift high the cross!"

Keeping the Faith

Nearly four years of negative pregnancy tests, a dual factor infertility diagnosis, and mounting medical expenses can cause great emotional distress. You find yourself calling everything into question. All kinds of thoughts start running through your head.

Did we do something to deserve this?

Why does God not want us to be parents? It is because we will not be good parents?

Maybe I deserve this because I didn't try harder to get pregnant earlier?

What if we never become parents? Does that mean that our marriage is incomplete?

I struggled with these and many more questions. I still struggle at times. But in the times I question God's fidelity to us, I remember one scripture verse.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

  God has already blessed Brian and I abundantly.  I know He will continue to bless us. He wants us to be happy and will never leave us alone during this time.   It is still difficult whenever a friend announces a pregnancy, but I remain hopeful because He is faithful.

  

It is because of this faith that I keep the spare room completely empty so I won't have to make room for baby when he/she comes.  It is because of this faith that Brian and I lay in bed at night sometimes and spend an hour debating baby names.

I don't know what His plans are for us, but I trust that we will one day have our little miracle.