Finding Joy Along the Journey ( A short Monday reflection)

After 4 years of infertility and one ectopic pregnancy....it can sometimes feel like everyday is Monday. Another weekend ends and inevitably you know you are going to have drag yourself out of bed to start the week again.

Its the best analogy I can think of because another month ends and you have been through so many months and even years that the negative pregnancy test seems inevitable. Then you have start another month all over again. The loss of our baby has by far been the biggest trial of our marriage.

But no matter how more Mondays Brian and I have ahead of us, (and I pray it isn't many more) we are committed to enjoying each and every single day. We have love each other and we have fun! Thank you God for placing this man by my side.

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Mary, Mother's Day and Meditations

Mother's Day is this Sunday. I should be 6 months pregnant and happily planning the arrival of a late summer baby, but I'm afraid my 1st Mother's Day is not going to be the joyous occasion I had imagined it would be.

May is also my birth month and Mary's month (The reason my parents chose Mary as my middle name). Mary is the perfect model of motherhood and she experienced much sorrow as a mother. So I started thinking.....maybe this Mother's Day is not going to be everything I had hoped and prayed it would be, but Mary, Mother of all Mothers, offers consolation to a grieving mother's heart as I unite my sorrows with hers.

INFERTILITY, MISCARRIAGE,  AND INFANT LOSS MEDITATIONS ON THE SEVEN SORROWS OF MARY

1) The Prophecy of Simeon.  "And Simeon blessed them, and said to Mary his mother: Behold this child is set for the fall and for the resurrection of many in Israel, and for a sign which shall be contradicted; And thy own soul a sword shall pierce, that out of many hearts thoughts may be revealed." – Luke II, 34-35

 Meditation -Mary knows the devastation and immense sadness of the infertile woman, who receives the news that she may never have children and the overpowering grief of every mother, who has heard the words "I'm sorry, but you had a miscarriage." Mary received news that Her Son was going to suffer and be put to death. 

2) The Flight into Egypt. "And after they (the wise men) were departed, behold an angel of the Lord appeared in sleep to Joseph, saying: Arise and take the child and His mother and fly into Egypt: and be there until I shall tell thee. For it will come to pass that Herod will seek the child to destroy Him. Who arose and took the child and His mother by night, and retired into Egypt: and He was there until the death of Herod." – Matt. II, 13-14.

 Meditation-Mary understands the sorrow and exhaustion of the infertile woman, whose journey to motherhood has lasted years without any idea of how much longer she will have to endure the pain of being childless or if she will ever get to hold a baby in Her arms. Mary knows the fear and anxiety of the woman who has had multiple miscarriages. This woman is panicked with fear that each new pregnancy may result in yet another miscarriage. Mary understands because She had to flee with Her Son in the middle of the night for fear that He would be murdered and She had no idea when it would be safe to return home.

3) The loss of the Child Jesus in the temple. "And having fulfilled the days, when they returned, the Child Jesus remained in Jerusalem; and His parents knew it not. And thinking that he was in the company, they came a day's journey, and sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintance. And not finding Him, they returned into Jerusalem, seeking Him." Luke II, 43-45.

Meditation - Mary understands the grief of every woman who has experienced loss. The loss of hopes and dreams when every month the woman is confronted with a negative pregnancy test.

4) The meeting of Jesus and Mary on the Way of the Cross.  "And there followed Him a great multitude of people, and of women, who bewailed and lamented Him." – Luke XXIII, 27.

 Meditation-Mary knows the heartache of every woman who has ever had to watch their premature baby suffer and struggle to hold on to life, but is powerless to do anything. Mary watched Her Son be tortured and nailed to a cross.

5) Mary stands at the foot of the Cross. "They crucified Him. Now there stood by the cross of Jesus, His Mother. When Jesus therefore had seen His Mother and the disciple standing whom he loved, He saith to His Mother: Woman: behold thy son. After that he saith to the disciple: Behold thy Mother." – John XIX, l8-25-27.

Mary knows the indescribable anguish that overtakes a mother when her child dies, either in the womb, during childbirth or only a few months old. Mary saw Her Son die a very gruesome and cruel death before Her very eyes.

6) Mary receives the dead body of Jesus in Her Arms "Joseph of Arimathea, a noble counselor, came and went in boldly to Pilate, and begged the body of Jesus. And Joseph buying fine linen, and taking Him down, wrapped Him up in the fine linen." – Mark XV, 43-46.

Mary understands the emotional torture that a mother feels when she cradles her dead baby in her arms. Mary held Jesus's beaten and lifeless body in Her arms. Her tears streamed down her face like every mother who has had to experience that horror.

7) The burial of Jesus. "Now there was in the place where He was crucified, a garden; and in the garden a new sepulcher, wherein no man yet had been laid. There, therefore, because of the parasceve of the Jews, they laid Jesus, because the sepulcher was nigh at hand." John XIX, 41-42.

Mary understands the almost paralyzing grief of every woman who has had to bury their baby. She knows the feeling  of every woman who has every had their heart ripped out of their chest as they lay to rest their baby. She knows the sorrow of every woman who has had to lay to rest the dream of ever having a baby. Mary watched as Her Son was laid to rest in a tomb.

April Giveaway Winner!

Congratulations to Jenelle Cheng, who is the winner of the April Giveaway!

APRIL GIVEAWAY!!!

National Infertility Awareness week is April 19 - April 25 this year.  In honor of all women who have in the past or are currently struggling with infertility, I'm having a major giveaway.

 

(All resource materials contain a Catholic focus)

 

The giveaway contains 5 books addressing infertility. I have also included a book addressing miscarriage, which can often go hand in hand with infertility.

 

There are two journals (one from the Elizabeth Ministry and a custom one with a picture of Our Lady of Sorrows on the cover)s, a bible study for married couples, 2 prayer cards (St Gerard and Our Lady of La Leche - both third class relics)

 

The Seven Sorrows Rosary along with a guide on how to pray the Seven Sorrows Rosary. I am also including reflections on infertility for each of the seven sorrows. These reflections will also be posted later on my blog.

 

Entries will be accepted starting April 10th at midnight and the giveaway will close next Friday April 17th at midnight. 

 

 

To enter simply email your first and last name to me at

fraga.catherinem@gmail.com

 

The only thing I ask is that every person who enters the giveaway commit to praying throughout National Infertility Week for every couple and especially every woman  that has ever had to carry the heavy cross of infertility.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Fragile Fiat

Wednesday is the feast of the Annunciation, which commemorates the Archangel Gabriel's visit to Our Lady.  The angel Gabriel says to Mary:

 "...Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father, and he will rule over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end..."

What Mary says next is astonishing. She says "... How can this be, since I have no relations with a man...? Rather than demonstrating a lack of trust on Mary's part, her response demonstrates great faith. Notice how Mary doesn't even questions the second part of the angel's statement. She has no trouble believing that the baby boy will be the Son of the Most High. Mary is not questioning the validity of the angel's statements. Rather it seems as though she is just curious about what method God will use to bring to theses statements to fruition.

Gabriel then says "...The holy spirit  will come upon you and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore, the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God..."  Mary simply responds "... Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word..."  

So basically, Mary is saying ok cool God.  My jaw drops every time I read this. Mary says "yes" I will do whatever you ask. Just let me know what you need me to do. You want me to be the mother of the Savior. No problem.  She has no problem trusting that God can make this happen. Her faith in God is solid.

I am in awe of Her openness to God's will for Her life.  Throughout my fertility journey openness to His will and trust in God have not been easy. This became particularly hard after suffering an ectopic pregnancy and losing my little baby.  I am now beginning to realize that saying "yes" and being open to life doesn't automatically translate into pregnancy.

I  have also had to come to the realization and acceptance that I'm not working with my time table here, I'm working with His. Mary didn't know when she would become pregnant. She didn't know where She would give birth. She didn't have a lot of answers. But She remained faithful in her "yes" to God.

I don't know why it took us so long to get pregnant. I don't know why our baby died. I don't know how long it will take before I become pregnant again. I don't even really know if I will ever be pregnant again. I believe that God intends for us to be parents. But I have no idea how that is going to happen or what that will look like.  I try to emulate Mary and her faith in God, but my "yes" is more like "Well, I'm all for doing your will God, but first you have to give me some details!" My "yes" can sometimes turn into a toddler stomping his or her foot shouting "No Way!"  I wrote about that last month when I wrote about my struggle to open my heart back up and allow God's presence in my life after the heartbreaking loss of our baby.


But I have to remember that God is greater than infertility. I have to really believe the words the angel Gabriel spoke to Mary "...Nothing will be impossible for God..."

Walking with Mary to Calvary: Loss and the Cross

Lent came early for me this year. I just didn't realize it at the time because I was too angry to see it. The sadness of losing my baby had subsided and a feeling I could only describe as intense rage took hold.  I welcomed the rage because if I wasn't feeling it; I was feeling nothing. Oddly, feeling nothing was an emotion that I found far more unbearable.

I found out I was losing my baby Jan 3, 2015. However, I remained pregnant until Feb 11, 2015 - EXACTLY 40 DAYS! ( I tried to think of a delicate way to write about this but the truth is there is nothing delicate about it. It is a raw and real reality and so I make no attempt to sugarcoat it).

It is almost impossible to explain what it feels like to be "technically"11 weeks pregnant but not to have a baby growing inside your womb. Feb 11th was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes and on this day I felt as though I came out of the fog. The rage had left and feelings of hope and even joy were no longer beyond reach. For this to happen on a Marian Feast was vey significant for me because during the past forty days my relationship with God and the Blessed Mother was virtually non existent. The rage prevented me from praying and I could not get beyond the sense of betrayal that I felt.

(Let's go back a little)

During the month of December, (before I even knew I was pregnant) I read an excellent book called "My Sisters the Saints" by Colleen Carroll Campbell. In this book, Colleen shares her own personal struggle with infertility and I could really relate to her. She wrote about how she became pregnant after praying The Memorare daily.

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

Well shortly after reading the book, I came across a beautifully song version of The Memorare on You Tube by Danielle Rose https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H93HaDeg27c. I absolutely loved it! I bought her CD just so I could listen to the song in the mornings on my way to work. It became my petition to Our Lady to have a baby.  I thought to myself  Our Lady is The Mother of all mothers. Who better to ask? Who could better understand? I wasn't expecting an immediate miracle and I knew that the prayer wasn't a magic pill for pregnancy. But still I felt comforted and hopeful.  Because I wasn't expecting anything to happen right away I nearly passed out from shock on Dec 23rd when I had a positive pregnancy test. Mary had heard my petition, interceded for me and BOOM I was pregnant! I thought Our Lady doesn't mess around!  All of this made it so much  harder to understand the devastating news we received that early January morning.

(Back to the present)

 Because I was so devastated and especially angry, I spent the next 40 days avoiding prayer because I didn't want to talk to God or Our Lady.  I felt completely abandoned. During this time, I received many beautiful cards, notes and messages from friends and family.  I felt loved and grateful for all the support. One message especially struck a cord with me. My cousin Ceci  told me to "cling to the Blessed Mother, who like you-lost Her only Son." She was so right and I had never thought of that.  Again, who better could understand than Our Lady and I had completely shut Her out of my life.  So when February 11th came and I realized that it was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, I knew She was inviting me back. Lent was going to start in just a few days and She wanted to walk with me. She understood my sorrow because She had experienced that same sorrow. Our Lady was offering Her help so that this lent I would be able to take the sadness, the anger and the loss of my baby and lay it all at the foot of the cross.  I'm going to accept the invitation and walk with Mary toward Calvary.

Tears For Nathan

It finally happened..... December 23rd 2014 I had my first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test!  My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't catch my breath. I was so overcome with joy. I fell to my knees and thanked God for my Christmas miracle!

Later that night Brian came home from work and I told him I had a Christmas gift for him and handed him the pregnancy test wrapped like a gift. We hugged and kissed and cried. We were so happy!

We were both so excited that we wanted to tell our family and a few friends right away and we did.  We started making plans and talking about names. We finally settled on Nathan. Of course we didn't know for sure whether we were having a boy or a girl but we both felt like we were having a boy.  Also, I didn't want to walk around for 3 or 4 months calling the baby "the baby" or "it."  We knew we could always change the name later if it turned out that the baby was a girl.

Nathan means "Gift of God" and we could not think of anything more perfect. After so many years of infertility we were finally having a baby! It was the best Christmas "gift" ever!

Then something happened. After a wonderful Christmas eve night celebrating with family I woke up the next morning and I knew that something was not right. All the signs pointed to a miscarriage. Brian took me to the ER and the doctor said that it appeared I was miscarrying. I was told there was little hope but given a lab slip to come back in a few days to get blood work done that would absolutely confirm the miscarriage. We were devastated and had little hope that the blood work would show anything but a miscarriage. It was too early for an ultrasound and so we were told that blood tests were the only way to be certain.

Two days later, we had the blood work done and were beyond surprised to found out that  my pregnancy hormone levels had more than doubled!!! I had doctor's appointment the next day and he said there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy would not continue to progress normally. He gave me more lab slips and for the whole next week my levels continued to rise substantially. I was relieved and beginning to feel hopeful again. The past week had been such a roller coaster ride. Surely things would only get easier from here on out. Wrong.

Jan 3rd, I woke up early in the morning with excruciating pain and great deal of pressure on the right side of my abdomen. We were off again to the ER.  An ultrasound was performed and more blood work done.  I was holding my breath when the doctor came into the room. I could tell by the look on his face that it was not good news. He told us that my pregnancy hormone levels had plateaued and that the baby was not growing anymore. I was not anywhere close to prepared for what he would say next. He then said that the ultrasound revealed that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby had implanted in my fallopian tube. The baby had not survived.

I immediately burst into tears and Brian wrapped his arms around me. I left the hospital feeling empty and heartbroken. I still am empty and heartbroken. I'm sad, angry and confused. It is hard to describe the feeling. I have tried to pray a few times but the only thing that comes out are tears. My tears are my prayers for you, Nathan. I am comforted because I know your tiny soul is in heaven and I know that one day I will get to hold you in my arms.  Being your mother even though it was just for a very short time was the best thing to have ever happened to me. I love you, my son.