Lent came early for me this year. I just didn't realize it at the time because I was too angry to see it. The sadness of losing my baby had subsided and a feeling I could only describe as intense rage took hold. I welcomed the rage because if I wasn't feeling it; I was feeling nothing. Oddly, feeling nothing was an emotion that I found far more unbearable.
I found out I was losing my baby Jan 3, 2015. However, I remained pregnant until Feb 11, 2015 - EXACTLY 40 DAYS! ( I tried to think of a delicate way to write about this but the truth is there is nothing delicate about it. It is a raw and real reality and so I make no attempt to sugarcoat it).
It is almost impossible to explain what it feels like to be "technically"11 weeks pregnant but not to have a baby growing inside your womb. Feb 11th was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes and on this day I felt as though I came out of the fog. The rage had left and feelings of hope and even joy were no longer beyond reach. For this to happen on a Marian Feast was vey significant for me because during the past forty days my relationship with God and the Blessed Mother was virtually non existent. The rage prevented me from praying and I could not get beyond the sense of betrayal that I felt.
(Let's go back a little)
During the month of December, (before I even knew I was pregnant) I read an excellent book called "My Sisters the Saints" by Colleen Carroll Campbell. In this book, Colleen shares her own personal struggle with infertility and I could really relate to her. She wrote about how she became pregnant after praying The Memorare daily.
REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
Well shortly after reading the book, I came across a beautifully song version of The Memorare on You Tube by Danielle Rose https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H93HaDeg27c. I absolutely loved it! I bought her CD just so I could listen to the song in the mornings on my way to work. It became my petition to Our Lady to have a baby. I thought to myself Our Lady is The Mother of all mothers. Who better to ask? Who could better understand? I wasn't expecting an immediate miracle and I knew that the prayer wasn't a magic pill for pregnancy. But still I felt comforted and hopeful. Because I wasn't expecting anything to happen right away I nearly passed out from shock on Dec 23rd when I had a positive pregnancy test. Mary had heard my petition, interceded for me and BOOM I was pregnant! I thought Our Lady doesn't mess around! All of this made it so much harder to understand the devastating news we received that early January morning.
(Back to the present)
Because I was so devastated and especially angry, I spent the next 40 days avoiding prayer because I didn't want to talk to God or Our Lady. I felt completely abandoned. During this time, I received many beautiful cards, notes and messages from friends and family. I felt loved and grateful for all the support. One message especially struck a cord with me. My cousin Ceci told me to "cling to the Blessed Mother, who like you-lost Her only Son." She was so right and I had never thought of that. Again, who better could understand than Our Lady and I had completely shut Her out of my life. So when February 11th came and I realized that it was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, I knew She was inviting me back. Lent was going to start in just a few days and She wanted to walk with me. She understood my sorrow because She had experienced that same sorrow. Our Lady was offering Her help so that this lent I would be able to take the sadness, the anger and the loss of my baby and lay it all at the foot of the cross. I'm going to accept the invitation and walk with Mary toward Calvary.
